Meet Me in the Aftermath
by Janeway1390
Summary: She sits in the on-call room for hours after Callie leaves. 'Apparently, I lost you' echoes in her mind over and over and over again.


She sits in the on-call room for hours after Callie leaves. _Apparently, I lost you_ echoes in her mind over and over and over again. Callie's not wrong. She did lose her. Arizona lost herself. Arizona lost Mark. Arizona lost her leg. Arizona lost _everything_.

Arizona, the old Arizona, the _real_ Arizona, was still on that damn mountain, in the echoes of Meredith's agony over losing Lexie; in the growls from the animals that threatened to tear them all apart; in the blood that ran from her leg, down the scarred shell of the airplane and into the dirt and leaves; and worst of all, in the silence that still haunts her to this day. It's the silence that's truly deafening.

_Apparently, I lost you._

She thinks about leaving this damn room, about going outside in the rain and screaming until her voice is hoarse, about finding a patch of dirt and letting it swallow her with the ghost of Mark's head in her lap, but instead she just sits. Arizona really has nowhere else to go. Callie had left muttering something about taking Sofia home, a home Arizona was sure she was no longer welcome.

Honestly, Arizona is just terrified to move. She doesn't want to run into Callie and see the look of devastation on her face, or Lauren who is probably looking for her wanting to talk, or Meredith and Derek, whose life after the crash seems to have evolved to sunshine and babies. Arizona is pretty sure she's going to be sick.

_Apparently, I lost you._

Eventually, she gets paged to the NICU and has to leave. Arizona puts on her patented smile and slips into the okay version of herself that she's perfected the last few months. For hours she throws herself into saving babies and placating worried parents, but when she catches Karev smile at Wilson for the hundredth time that night, Arizona's pretty sure she's going to throw up on him.

"You okay, Robbins?"

Her crazed laughter obviously worries him as he grabs her by the elbow and pulls her away from the worried stares of parents.

"I take it you talked to Torres?"

The laughter died down as a sob escaped her.

_Apparently, I lost you._

"Maybe you should try to get some sleep."

She laughs again, nothing more than a mirthless chuckle. Karev is obviously starting to question her sanity.

"Like I could sleep right now."

His eyes soften as he places a comforting hand on her arm. She leans into it, relishing the contact and the small comfort he offers.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"You can get on that plane for me."

Her statement hangs there for an eternity. The guilt that never went away present in his eyes before he tears his gaze from hers. If he could, she knows he would take her place in a heartbeat.

"I'm sorry," she says before the silence can threaten to choke her. "That wasn't fair."

Karev shrugs it off. "Look, I know there's not much I can do, but I can give you a place to stay. We've got plenty of room."

Arizona wants to laugh at the absurdity of living with Karev and Yang, but she's touched by his sincerity so she nods her thanks and watches him leave as he's paged away. Another bubble of laughter builds in her chest. Maybe she's starting to question her sanity, too.

Before Karev's offer she thought about going to Mark's place. Her wife sought solace there during the dark days of Arizona's recovery, who's to say she can't find the same in the empty home of a man she had come to think of as a brother? No, Arizona wanted to move forward. Mark was dead and drinking with his ghost wasn't going to help her at all. In that moment she missed him more than ever. Somehow he'd know how to help.

With a sigh, Arizona turns to make her way to the elevator. She pulls out her phone to dial Callie's number knowing full well her wife wouldn't pick up. Arizona tries not to lose it completely when she hears Callie's voicemail greeting.

_Apparently, I lost you._

"Hey . . . it's me," Arizona began, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. "I just . . . I just wanted you to know that I'm staying at Karev's tonight. Can we talk in the morning? There's so much we need to talk about and God, Callie, I don't even know where to start, but I just . . . I need you to know how much I love you."

Wiping a tear from her cheek, Arizona ends the call and steps out into the damp night. She closes her eyes to the dark and feels the silence creeping in once again.

She prays one day she'll be able to leave that damn mountain.


End file.
